Hello there and a Blessed feast day of St. Agatha!
It’s been a whirlwind of a last few months trying to adjust to the novitiate and even more so to my canonical year. While life is going well, the detachment that no one prepared me for is something that I ask the Lord for help with everyday. In my discernments and preparation for entrance, I either I blocked out the part about detachment from self or I never thought about it. I was so focused on having a healthy detachment from the world, family, friends etc. that I never thought of the detachment that would be hardest of all, the detachment from self. Letting go of my preferences, my tendency to do things a certain way, my need for this or that etc has been a struggle. Nevertheless it has been full of joys because through the struggles, I see God’s hand and I can feel His graces. I can definitely see why some people think obedience is impossible to live but when one truly understands that vow though there may be difficulties, there is a joy and a peace in it that only God can give.
I am slowly letting go of the fear that “I can’t do this” and am instead trying to embrace it. In reality, I can’t do it because on my own this life would be impossible, a life of sacrifice is not something we have in ourselves to do on our own. It is something that the Lord gives us the strength and graces to go through.
I thought I appreciated the vocation to marriage but every day in the convent is making me realize how much of a sacrifice and a self-denial marriage is. It really is a sign of true love; for a man and a woman to die to themselves for the sake of each other, for the sake of their family is something I am trying to do for the sake of my community and the sake of my love for Christ. What’s harder in this life compared to marriage is that the one to whom I wish to espouse myself has already died for my sake and because He is perfection, I have no doubt that when there arise difficulties it is not because He is being selfish but because I am. Marriage is hard but I wager being a bride of Christ can be even harder, especially when you take into consideration any issues in said relationship is your fault and DEFINITELY not Christ’s.
I continue to thank God for all of you and keep you in my constant prayers, in addition to the daily rosary that I pray as a SMMC sister, I offer one in thanksgiving for all of you, my benefactors and for all of your intentions. I shall continue to do so as your generosity to me over the last couple of years has been without limit.
Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to live out this call.
In Christ our Hope,
Sr. Christiana Marie